HOW TO BUILD YOUR OWN STONEHENGE
© 1999-2003 Sister Leslie

1. Build a round form about 5' high and 20' across in the approximate shape of a bundt pan. Possibly use two nested above-ground pools? Or maybe a minivan inside a large truck bed?
2. Purchase sufficient cans of spray insulating foam to fill the form. Fill it.
3. After the foam has cured cut away the form.
4. Cut away the foam on the North end of the donut to form a small reference notch. Magnetic North is fine if you don't know how to do the correction.
5. Wait until sunset on the winter solstice and cut a notch on the South end of of the foam donut whose tip is precisely aligned between the bottom of the reference notch and the setting sun on the horizon. This may take several successive soltices to accomplish.
6. Repeat for summer solstices.
7. Repeat for the equinoxes.
8. Choose a few significant days in between (Beltane, plantings, harvests, your cat's birthday, etc.) and repeat.
9. Carve the top of the donut to produce a smooth curve, being careful not to obliterate any notches.
10. Carve niches from underneath to produce pedestals with notches at the top and lintels between the pedestals. Smooth any sharp edges.
11. IMPORTANT: Now mark a North-South line on the top of the carved donut. Magnetic North-South is fine.
12. Dig a large pit and obtain a large quantity of damp sand.
13. Bury the foam form upside-down in the pit with the bottom surface even with the top of the sand. Pack the sand well as you fill the pit. Fine sand produces a smooth surface but coarse sand gives a lovely rough-cut look.
14. Pour in sufficient molten material to fill the form. The foam will evaporate and the melt will flow in and fill in the space created. (See "Lost Wax Process") Aluminum is lightweight and durable but for a classic pre-Gaelic look try molten granite.
15. Dig out the stonehenge and place it right-side up. Clean and use the North-South line to align.
16. Celebrate your favorite days with parties inside the circle!!! The sand pit may be used for mastodon roasts. Watch this space.

HOW TO ROAST A MASTODON
© 2003-2004 Sister Leslie

1. Obtain a live, young mastodon (2500-3000 lbs) and have it slaughtered, gutted, cleaned and stored 2 weeks prior to party. Your best source for live mastodons is genetic research laboratories doing cloning experimentation with frozen mastodons found in the ice in Siberia. With a little luck and a lot of polar weather survival gear, it is possible to find your very own frozen mastodon.
2. A week before the party, dig a 10-foot-deep hole, long enough and wide enough to accommodate the mastodon with a small amount of room to spare.
3. Get enough burlap sacks to wrap the entire mastodon. Soak the sacks in fermented fruit juice two days before burial.
4. Six days before, early in the morning, fill the bottom 3 feet of the pit with rocks. Try to avoid shale. Fill the rest of the pit, to the top and beyond with seasoned wood and burn until the coals are 3 feet down. Add more rocks and wood. Continue to burn down all day and night. When there is room enough to put the mastodon in, with 2 feet of clearance, add another foot of more rocks. This keeps the sacks from burning and gives the fire air.
5. Lay a piece of chain link fence on a large stone altar (if you built the stonehenge you probably have one handy) and cover it with some of the soaked burlap sacks. Place the mastodon on top, feet up. Rub the cavities of the mastodon with salt and Dry Barbeque seasoning. (If you can't find Memphis Dry Barbeque seasoning, use a couple hundred packages of McCormick's chili seasoning instead.) Fill the cavity loosely with whole garlic cloves and onions. Rub vegetable oil all over the outside of the mastodon and douse liberally with Barbeque seasoning. Put the rest of the sacks around the mastodon and wrap it tightly. Tie the mastodon up in the chain link fence.
6. Lower the mastodon into the pit. Cover the mastodon with a "tent" of heavy-duty aluminum foil or corrugated metal. Pile dirt around the edge of the covering to seal up the sides. Your mastodon is now cooking in a huge underground oven.
7. Take it out about 4- 5 days later. Get someone who's sober and knows what they're doing to carve it and serve it with many skins of fermented wild grain!

USES FOR AN OLD CD
© 2003 Sister Leslie

Folks, if the original idea didn't come from a hypomanic, I'll EAT a CD. Makes an effective gum stimulator....

Throwing star.

I've been trying to make one of these but have been having some trouble getting around the brittleness of the material. I believe the answer is to use an industrial hot-wire foam-insulation/ plastic cutter. I have stopped short of actually constructing my own cutting wire and I have no idea whether CDs are made of thermoplastics (the cutter wouldn't work), but I believe I can adapt the toaster coils for this purpose. Don't try this unless you have a four-slice toaster. Now where did I put those Materials Science notes?

Frisbee®.

Wouldn't require the toaster coils. Frisbee® is a registered trademark of Wham-O®, Inc. The Bipolar Planet is in no way associated with Wham-O®, Inc. and hopes they appreciate the free advertising.

Chain (CD?) mail.

Weave together with wire for a nice "knight in shining armor" look. Spring steel will give the wearer extra back support.

Bathtub shaving mirror.

WTF, it'll only steam up anyway.

"Extreme" piercings.

Say no more.

French tickler.

Better left unsaid, n'est-ce pas?

Police radar chaff.

Need to work out the method of deployment.

Picture frame.

...for a very small round picture.

Yarmulka.

That's a beanie, gentiles.

Stealth coating.

Glue them to your car at weird angles to give it the radar profile of a uhhh CD. And don't forget to do the metal seat-back coils, they show up on radar, too.

Toilet paper

-- NOT!

Easy jigsaw puzzle.

I need the toaster coil again.

Thermal and condensation barrier.

Glue them inside the walls.

Emergency blanket.

Similar in construction to the chain mail.

'Biners.

 

Snow shoes for a cat.

Careful putting them on, the cat can get at you through the holes.

Fishing lure.

Only for very large fish.

Neo-Celtic Techno-Pagan Talisman.

Cuchulain's laser shield?

Prayer-Wheel.

 

Rosary.

But a very large one.

High-tech mobile.

Perk up that dreary computer room!

Solar oven.

 

Key fob.

Even I couldn't lose this key ring.

IUD.

Ouch.

Molten CDs.

Pour them off the parapets onto people whose taste in music or software you don't like.

Disco mirror-ball.

Smash the CDs and glue the pieces to a basketball.

Mosaic.

Same only sort the pieces by color and glue them to a wall or floor to make a politically-correct, socially- and culturally-contextual picture for your favorite public building.

Modern Art.

Same only sell the shards to the Corcoran.

Iconclastic Mosaic.

Same but sponsored by the National Endowment for the Arts.

Catharsis.

Same only don't bother to glue them anywhere.

Hypnosis Disc.

Great fun at parties!

X-Ray Glasses.

Is that really chain mail you see under her clothes?

DJ Manic <your name here>.

Scratcha-scritch-scratch.

Rolling Pin.

Stack them on a stick.

Pancake Warmer.

Stick them on a stack.

Cootie-catcher.

If you actually succeed please let me know how you go about folding a CD.

Tesla Generator.

Sorry, the CIA stole the instructions. Also requires toaster coils and an disco microwave oven motor.

Anti-Telepathy Gauss-Box Hat.

This will keep the Space Aliens/Russians/Republicans out.

Laser Gun.

First defeat the safety on the new DVD player...

Coming soon: HOW TO BE MESSY